Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Wildly Inappropriate

I'm not one of those women who doubts her beauty and ability to attract men. In the last 10 years of my dating life, I've picked up men at the gas station, the grocery store, a gay bar and now on an NJ Transit train. Being naturally gregarious and just good-looking enough to be approachable but not too gorgeous to be intimidating, my friends frequently delight in my stories of new guys, even if absolutely no one can keep track.

And yet, despite my magnetism, I seem to generally attract, for the most part, the most wildly inappropriate men. Oh you have a PhD, your own apartment and a good relationship with your mom? Yeah, you're just not going to be into me. You'll be my good friend but you will never imagine a future with me. But are you marginally employed in the shadow economy with an illegitimate child and a Tina Fey-esque, never-to-be-talked-about facial scar? Then clearly you will fall in love with me after just a few short encounters.

I started writing this post a few nights ago and just didn't have time to really flesh it out. Then, the reason for the delay became all-too apparent when I checked my FB inbox...
With the bizarre and grammatically-incorrect subject line of, "i love the way you smiles, dear readers I give you... Kenneth.
"good day (my first and last name) how are you doing today? i hope that you are cool.i m very happy with your profile its very interesting that is why i will love to know more about a beautiful and shining star like you. so tell me what are you doing for a fun mostly? i love reading , going to a beach as well listing to all kind of music.i will love to chat with you on yahoo messenger because i only come to face book often, here is my im for chatting (his IM) what is yours? i can,t wait to talk to an angel like you. i hope to hear from you very soon.

Were Kenneth a Liberian war orphan, I might be able to excuse his astounding creepiness and appallingly poor command of the English language. However, according to his Facebook profile, he's a native of Jersey City and a widower with one child who apparently is desperate to find "a god fearing lady to be (his) soul mate."

If this is what I attract, maybe it's just as well that I'm single. Luckily, I don't have this woman for a mother and my grandmother's Internet skills just aren't that good.


SaraK said...

Oy to that website. LOL to your post :)

Mónica Velasquéz said...

I stumbled across your blog by accident but this post sure cracked me up! I'm following this :)