Friday, January 30, 2009

Ode to Misanthropy

If Sartre is to be trusted and hell really is other people, then I must have been a real bitch in a past life. For someone whose work is intended to help humanity (not through this blog, but in my paying job as a fundraiser/Jewish communal drone), I sure do hate a lot of people.

#1 People obsessed with their pets
A Facebook friend of mine who will remain anonymous, actually had this status a few weeks ago, "... is missing Twinkles. Can't believe she went to kitty heaven over a month ago. I miss you baby girl."

Whoa. It's a cat. I'm sure you loved her, but I'm also pretty sure that kitty heaven is a red herring. Plus, if she was stuck with a name like Twinkles, maybe she's better off. Add to this category people who put clothing on their pets (they have fur, duh!) and people who incorporate their pets into their wedding ceremonies.

I loved my dogs growing up and it is still weird sometimes that Sassy isn't there when I come home, or even my friend's dog Sweetie (of course, she was so ill-suited for her name that we nicknamed her Crack Whore). But I digress.

#2 People who speak to everyone as if they are children
Or mentally retarded. I work with a woman whose son is autistic and I'm sure even he hates that she talks to him as if he's stupid. No one really digs condescension, especially when it's coming from someone you're smarter than. Maybe your spouse can tolerate being spoken to like a short-bus rider, but the rest of us really hate it.

#3 People who base all their reading selections on Oprah's Book Club
No disrespect to Oprah. That woman has shaped popular culture, buying habits and the national dialogue in ways I can only dream of. And she did it all on her own terms and from scratch. However, I abhor those people who ask me if I've read a book solely because of its appearance in Oprah's Book Club.

Be a little creative damnit! Go the library or bookstore and read books that YOU like, not just the ones that some rich lady in Chicago liked (or her assistant). Besides, it's generally been my experience that if the American populace loves something, then I should probably run. Don't believe me? See The DaVinci Code, the Dallas Cowboys, adjustable-rate mortgages.

#4 People unable to use proper grammar
Hey asshole, "your" and "you're" cannot be used interchangeably! Go back to second grade and learn the difference.

What's most ironic about my loathing of so many human archetypes is that my relationships with several friends are based on a healthy dose of misanthropy (long live the remaining members of the Sarcasm Trio!!!). There's something comforting about finding someone who hates the same folks you do. Your rage is justified because it isn't your weirdness exclusively and little more is true than the notion that misery loves company.

I could go on forever listing types of people I despise (and synonyms thereof) in a bizarre antithesis of the Stuff White People Like blog. But I'm much more interested in hearing about who my readers hate - please comment with your most odious offenders and happy hating!


SaraK said...

I think people obsessed with their pets are a little weird, but I wouldn't say I hate them. I thin incorporating them into your wedding is very odd.

#2 is a total given. Who would want to be spoken down to?

#3 - I very rarely enjoy the books that everyone likes. I could not get through The Da Vinci Code at all.

#4 - Grammar is also a huge pet peeve of mine.

Anonymous said...

-People who say "guestimate"
-People who don't use their turn signals. It's an inch away. I don't even have to remove my hand from the steering wheel.

~The Magyar McGuyver

Jannah said...

I love to hate #1! Oh wait, that's me! Not really! I totally agree on the whole wedding and clothing thing. Yes, I did dress up my dogs for Halloween. But I did it with the complete knowledge that I was an a$$hole for doing it and there was a very special place in Hell waiting for me for that specific act. Unlike my lovely sister who actually thinks her dog LIKES wearing clothes...

The top of my love to hate list is text messagers. Again, I am probably the biggest textaholic out there but that is why I can recognize the true evil of text messaging. See #4 - since I started text messaging my grammar, punctuation, and spelling skills have completely disappeared. That is what happens when you have to limit everything you say to 160 characters or less. And for those of us with a lot to say and little patience to send multiple messages, compressing all the information often results in messages that have little resemblance to English. I could go on and on about the false sense of intimacy, traffic accidents, and shortening of attention created by messaging, but this isn't my blog... LOL TTYL! =)

Stacy said...

I agree with Jannah, text messaging can be evil, especially when guys feel the only way they can communicate the important stuff is via text instead of picking up the damn phone and CALLING.

Also, people who think "nother" is a word. As in, "It's a whole nother topic." Say what??

Dried fruit. Seriously. Sunmaid found a way to become rich off something I'd throw away if I found it in the produce drawer in my fridge.