If Sartre is to be trusted and hell really is other people, then I must have been a real bitch in a past life. For someone whose work is intended to help humanity (not through this blog, but in my paying job as a fundraiser/Jewish communal drone), I sure do hate a lot of people.
#1 People obsessed with their pets
A Facebook friend of mine who will remain anonymous, actually had this status a few weeks ago, "... is missing Twinkles. Can't believe she went to kitty heaven over a month ago. I miss you baby girl."
Whoa. It's a cat. I'm sure you loved her, but I'm also pretty sure that kitty heaven is a red herring. Plus, if she was stuck with a name like Twinkles, maybe she's better off. Add to this category people who put clothing on their pets (they have fur, duh!) and people who incorporate their pets into their wedding ceremonies.
I loved my dogs growing up and it is still weird sometimes that Sassy isn't there when I come home, or even my friend's dog Sweetie (of course, she was so ill-suited for her name that we nicknamed her Crack Whore). But I digress.
#2 People who speak to everyone as if they are children
Or mentally retarded. I work with a woman whose son is autistic and I'm sure even he hates that she talks to him as if he's stupid. No one really digs condescension, especially when it's coming from someone you're smarter than. Maybe your spouse can tolerate being spoken to like a short-bus rider, but the rest of us really hate it.
#3 People who base all their reading selections on Oprah's Book Club
No disrespect to Oprah. That woman has shaped popular culture, buying habits and the national dialogue in ways I can only dream of. And she did it all on her own terms and from scratch. However, I abhor those people who ask me if I've read a book solely because of its appearance in Oprah's Book Club.
Be a little creative damnit! Go the library or bookstore and read books that YOU like, not just the ones that some rich lady in Chicago liked (or her assistant). Besides, it's generally been my experience that if the American populace loves something, then I should probably run. Don't believe me? See The DaVinci Code, the Dallas Cowboys, adjustable-rate mortgages.
#4 People unable to use proper grammar
Hey asshole, "your" and "you're" cannot be used interchangeably! Go back to second grade and learn the difference.
What's most ironic about my loathing of so many human archetypes is that my relationships with several friends are based on a healthy dose of misanthropy (long live the remaining members of the Sarcasm Trio!!!). There's something comforting about finding someone who hates the same folks you do. Your rage is justified because it isn't your weirdness exclusively and little more is true than the notion that misery loves company.
I could go on forever listing types of people I despise (and synonyms thereof) in a bizarre antithesis of the Stuff White People Like blog. But I'm much more interested in hearing about who my readers hate - please comment with your most odious offenders and happy hating!